sparkling_dmnd (sparkling_dmnd) wrote,
sparkling_dmnd
sparkling_dmnd

Phantom Phest: Ch. 1

Phantom Phest
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A sad, physcotic telling of Phantom of the Opera through the eyes of a group of very over Phantom indulged phanatics.
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The Cast:
Normal Phantom People.
...
Aiken: Ashley Aiken
Abbie: Abbie Hain
Cowart: Ashley Cowart
Hay: Ashley Hay
Darth: Ashley Stevens.
------------------------
I was bored...




Aiken: One would think that they would give us free tickets by now to this thing

Abbie: Oh Aiken shut up. It's not their fault that you have seen this thing 18 thousand times!!

Aiken: ::eyes her maliciously::

Aiken:It was only 15 times you twit.

Abbie: ::rolls eyes, surveying the empty theatre::

Hay: Isn't it sad that we own the movie and we're STILL coming to see it here?

Darth: ::leans over, nods fiercely::

Darth: Yes. I wanted to see House of Wax, BUT NO. No one LISTENS to me. ::crosses arms::

Aiken, Abbie: ::raise eyebrows:: Shut up Darth.

The surround sound kicked in and the opening screen of their beloved film, Phantom of the Opera burst across the screen.

Hay: ::starts dancing around::

Hay: WOOOOO!!!! I GET TO SEE GERRY AGAIN!!!!

Cowart: :smacks her in the leg, pulls her by the jeans back into her seat::

Cowart: IT HASN'T EVEN STARTED YET YOU HOBAG. SIT DOWN.

Abbie, Darth, Aiken: ::blink::

Abbie: Geeze Cowart. Having issues?

Cowart: ::dusts her hands off and looks at the pouting Hay::

Cowart: She has a big butt that I CANNOT see through. That's all.

Hay: SHUT UP YOU!

Aiken: BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP. It's really starting now

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The screen pans down to the black and white, gutted Opera Popularie. This is where the strange minds of Aiken, Abbie, Cowart, Darth, and Hay start to

kick in with their OWN version of the story.
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Announcer: "Alright now. Lot 666. A giant chandelier in pieces."

::looks down at card, throws it up in the air::

Who the hell would anyone want a BROKEN chandelier?? I can see the damn creepy monkey. But not a HAUNTED and BROKEN light fixture!! SHEESH.

The stunned crowd looked at him with blank, blinking eyes.

Announcer: "WELL?"

Workman Holding Ropes ::glare::

-----------------------------------------

Aiken: Wouldn't this be where some crazy author would have the announcer calling it the chandelier of DOOM AND EXPOSITION?!

Abbie: THAT'S MY SCREEN NAME!

Cowart: SHUT THE HELL UP.
----------------------------------------

Meg Giry: Um...sir. Could you just raise the chandelier so we can start the DAMN MUSIC?

Announcer: ::throws up hands:: Oh fine, it's your damn money, you pompous ARISTOCRATS. BRING ON THE COLOR.

Workman: ::mutter:: ::pull ropes::
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Aiken and Abbie: FUNERAL DROP!!!! ::hit knees::
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DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!
----------------------------------------
Hay: Okay, you hear the cool Phantom organ music, but how come you never see the Phantom play the organ?" ::scratches head::

Darth: Perhaps, it's because the dude that played him CAN'T PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, THE BIG FAKER.

Abbie, Hay, Aiken, Cowart: ::gasp::

Darth: ::looks around:: What?

Aiken: You INSOLENT FEMALE. You just denounced Gerard Butler. KILL THE TRAITOR!

::dog pile on Darth::
---------------------------------------
::lots of cool ass technicolor washes in, opera is whole once more, you know the rest::

::ear drum shattering opera::

Carlotta: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ::something that should resemble singing but sounds like horse shit:: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

-------------------------------------
Abbie: DAMN she needs to loosen that corset. That's what's making her sound like a beached WHALE.

Aiken, Hay, Cowart, Darth: SHHHHH.
-------------------------------------
Carlotta: waaaaaaa Hannnnniiiiibaaallllllll!!!!!

Christine: Isn't it terrible that the only word that you can comprehend from that woman's mouth is HANNIBAL?

Meg: ::giggles::

Madame Giry: GIRLS. HUSH before I beat you within an inch of your LIFE! ::holds up cane::

Christine and Meg: ::shut up::

Piangi: Sad to return to fight ze land we love!!! if they could understand the words then it would make some damn sense!!!

Monsieur Reyer: ::bangs head on the podeum:: Where in the hell do they get these people?

::Enter Andre, Firmin, and Lefeve::

Lefeve: Gentleman. Welcome to the Opera Popularie. The place where dreams can come true. ::waves hands, managers appear to be delighted::

Monsieur Reyer: WILL YOU GET THE BLOODY HELL OFF OF MY STAGE??

::managers blink. Lefeve shakes head::

Lefeve: ::facepalm:: Well you do have to deal with a cranky conductor.

Carlotta: I DO NOTA ZINGA WITH THESA STUPID PEOPLE!

Lefeve: And our Diva is a bit of a.....::shields mouth::...wench.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Cowart: ::jumps up:: WAIT FOR IT!!
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::doors fly open, women with high powered electric fans that make no damn sense in this time period rush up to the doors, turning them on full blast::

::enter the Vicompte de Chagny::

Raoul: ::stops in front of fans, snaps fingers::

::a giddy Raoul shipper hits the button on a boombox::

Raoul: ::grins smugly::

::Man I Feel Like A Woman blasts as Raoul strides across the stage::

Lefeve: OH WHAT THE HELL. This place is a damn FIASCO. I could handle the prick and the whiney spanish chick....but I CANNOT TAKE THIS BLAZINGLY GAY PANSY. ::storms away::
----------------------------------------------------------
Abbie, Aiken, Hay, Cowart, Darth: OH OH OH, GET IN THE ACTION. FEEL THE ATTRACTION! COLOR MY HAIR! DO WHAT I DARE!
----------------------------------------------------------
Raoul: ::flips hair, song dies:: Gentlemen. It is an absolute pleasure to be a part of this magnificant opera house! ::flashes smile::

Firmin: Perhaps we really were doing better in the junk business.

Andre: ::annoyed:: ...scrap metal! EVERYONE. I would like you all to meet our new patron. The Vicompte de Chagny!

::crickets::

Christine: Meg! It's Raoul! I remember him from the house by the sea! He called me Little Lottie!

Meg: ::raises eyebrow:: I'm so sorry.

Christine: Why?

Meg: ::appears uncomfortable:: That man is as gay as a PICNIC BASKET. I mean....LITTLE LOTTIE? Did the man borrow your clothes? DID YOU PLAY DRESSUP AS KIDS? DAMN!

Christine: ::fumes::
---------------------------------------------------------
Aiken: THE BEST THING ABOUT BEING A WOMAN....

Darth: JESUS AIKEN. The SONG is DONE, FINITO, FIN. WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT TO CALL IT. JUST STOP!

Aiken: Pissant.
---------------------------------------------------------
Carlotta: ENOUGH WITH ZE SHEMALE! Its notta fair dat he gets hiz own SOLO! You screwa up mine!!! ::wailes::

Andre: ::cooes:: My Diva...

Carlotta: CAN'T YOU DO BETTER ZAN DAT??

Firmin: GODDESS OF SONG!

Carlotta: ...better....

Andre: SIGNORA! Please...sing for us your beautiful aria from Act 3...

Carlotta: Well I would....IF SOMEBODY FINISHA MY COSTUME! DAMNA BITCH IN DE COSTUME WARD! CANNA YOU NOT DO ANYTHING RIGHT??

Monsieur Reyer: JUST SING YOU STUPID WENCH.

Carlotta: ::glares:: Aren't you supposed to say..."if my diva commands?"

Monsieur Reyer: WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM? SUGAR COATED? SING DAMMIT!

Carlotta: ::fumes:: FINE. MAESTRO!!!

::music starts::

::Carlotta begins her horrid rendition of Think of Me. Before she's well into the chorus, a damn backdrop falls on her and knocks her pansy ass over. You know it was the Phantom. You're a bloody idiot if you don't. I'd knock her off too.:::

Carlotta: WAAAAHHHHHHH
------------------------------------------------
Abbie: KNOCK THE BITCH DOWN!!!!

Aiken, Hay, Cowart: ::start to sing Chumbawumba::
------------------------------------------------
Andre: Oh hell.

Firmin: I don't think hell would be considered a strong enough curse...

Andre: Signora, these things happen.

Carlotta: Do notta giva me dis bull caca!! I leava dis placa at ONCE! Geta me my DAMN DOGGIE.

::storms away::
-------------------------------------------------
Cowart: Haha! Carlotta just said sh....

Aiken: We know what it means Cowart. WE AREN'T IMBICILES!

Abbie: ::cough::

Aiken: ::glares:: SHUT UP YOU
--------------------------------------------------

Firmin: WELL DO YOU HAVE ANYMORE BRILLIANT IDEAS YOU JACKASS?

Andre: ::appalled:: WHY IS IT ALWAYS MADE MY FAULT?

::Firmin smacks him in the face with a glove::

Firmin: BECAUSE. You always give the STUPIDEST SUGGESTIONS. Why the hell did you ask her to sing in the first place? Are you TRYING to burst my eardums???

Andre: YOU POMPOUS...

Madame Giry: EXCUSE ME. Sirs. I have a message from the Opera Ghost.

Firmin: Can you NOT SEE that men are talking here?

Madame Giry: ::fumes:: JUST READ ZE DAMN LETTER YOU PIG!

::Madame Giry thrusts letter in Firmin's face::

::he rips it open::
-------------------------------------------------------------
Darth: ::stands up, entranced::

::monotone voice::

He welcomes you to his opera house and commands that you continue to leave Box 5 empty for his use...and reminds you that his salary is due.

Hay, Aiken, Abbie, Cowart: ::blink::

Hay: How many times have you seen this Darth?

Darth: ::snaps out of it:: What? When? Who? Where.

Abbie: She just had a subconsious Phantom moment...it'll pass.
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